Pure Hatred

Posted: June 27, 2015 in Life
Tags: , , , ,

-Mature-

My hatred for my mother is real. 
If I could turn back the pages and make it so I didn’t come to be because of her I would. 

The way she looks at me. The way she makes up lies for family and the authorities is beyond me. 

If I could leave, run away even, without being scared and logical about survival I would. 

The darkness scares me, well what’s in it at the very least.

 Every shake, vibration, every image of abuse from movies and the news really scares me. 

I have the choice to leave and live with a grandmother that cares for and respects me but I’m too scared of the consequences of leaving. 

The fights between her and my mother that would spark again makes me question my being. 

The friends that continuously betray me. The issues I have and the low self esteem and confidence is beyond me. 

Scared to start at the new job I got because of my mum and her using my life as a novelty and reward for respect is getting more and more real. 

The threats to report her and leave her are becoming more and more common. 

I really do wish I had a different mother. Or preferably no one at all. 

Typing this I can’t stop, starting to tear up as the violent pictures begin to flood my mind once again. 

Scared to close my eyes and fall asleep, scared that I’ll be even more emotionally damaged. God forbid physically even. 

Running out of thoughts I slowly ease up to go get a cup of dairy milk before I try and rest before my 8am awakening. 

I wish this dream would end. 

– [The Hurting Side Of Life]

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Comments
  1. Try social services? Don’t stay trapped, I ran away from home at 16 in the middle of the night, crossed state lines. Mom filed missing persons report, but they couldn’t really do much. I’d leave and call social services to say why you left. I don’t know your age or story, sorry… maybe this is fiction and I’m advising for nothing. Hope you’re okay, anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, thanks for your comment.

      Me and my mother were just verbally fighting so I needed an escape.

      Writing is slowly becoming more of a way to get out.

      Just wanted to let you know that all is well, I was just really angry 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I believe that expression is the first step to healing, it will allow more space to become available for you, for your own growth, and for moving on to healthier grounds. I hope things can slowley get better for you, Love and Light x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As I’ve just begun reading your blog, I am saddened that I don’t know enough details to truly be of help right now. I can remember being your age and resenting my mother for so many things. She was always so critical of me and tried to force me to be things that matched the perfect barbie doll she always dreamed me to be. I can recall one night I overheard her telling my dad that she hated me. I cried and cried, and I NEVER forgot that. She was always accusing me of crazy things that I would’ve NEVER done and she could hold a grudge like no one I’d ever known. However, as I got older and a little wiser I began to understand that strange, hateful person who had always made me feel so inferior and unloved. The sad truth is, she loved me more than anything in the entire world. She just dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression….she was paranoid and interpreted things very differently from how you or I would. She was just loving me and doing as well as she could for me the best she knew how. It often felt like a bi-polar relationship. One day we were on the outs, one day we were best friends. It was exhausting. However, now that she’s passed away I miss her tremendously…and I’ve had more time to understand the woman who raised me since I’ve become an adult. I understand now that she never hated me….she was just human. We all get stressed, we all have our limits….and she was just venting frustration, not true hate.

    I don’t know the story with you and your mother…but I hope somewhere between the hurtful comments, insults, and all the times she infuriates you that you can find love hidden in her heart. Who knows, perhaps that annoying habit she has of using you to make herself look good in front of others is truly come from a place in her heart that holds pride for you. Pride for your accomplishments, the man you’re growing into…..and yes, maybe even a little pride in herself for raising you. If I’m wrong, please forgive me. As I said, I’m just getting to know your story. However, I do hope there is love in her heart for you and that she’s just doing the best she knows how. I look forward to getting to know your story better and helping in any way I can 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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